They hurt me. All of them. Each day, they slice away another part of my heart like I never meant anything.
I see them crack their jokes and play and laugh together….sometimes with me or at me.
I love them. Oh god, I do love my class. So much.
Alam, Nirav, Bhavya, Tanaz, Soumya, Aditya, Jay, Radhikas, Shreya and Kruti…I love you guys.
I have tried so hard to control my emotions…so fucking hard that every weekend I curl up in a ball and let all out in rounds of tears and sniffs all night.
They probably don’t mean to hurt me and they think I am such an egotistical and emotional bitch with baggage and shit. They are right.
I am egotistical and an emotional bitch with tons of baggage.
Sometimes they don’t see me and I am grateful that they don’t. I fall into place between the wall spaces and rows of desks. It’s liberating actually. It sucks to hold up an act for long.
What they know is that I get easily offended, but what they don’t see is that I don’t forget the past. I can’t forget their diary entries or mails or their chats and even classroom convos where they bitched on and on about me.
Does it always have to be like this? Do I always have to suffer just because people around me are a little insensitive to my sensitive side? Is it wrong to expect people to understand me when I don’t understand much of my self?
I want them to see me and like me and love me and be with me cos they like the person in me and not because what I have to offer to them.
I am not a vessel, a transportation route to take them their way and I am not worthless of their friendship.
They can’t say that I didn’t try, because believe me lord, I did.
I tried so hard to fit into that little space in their hearts but it turns out, I am not the right jigsaw piece. And I will never be.
And I am sorry for that. I am sorry to keep that place empty while you all fill my heart like a perfect glove.